1. leht 650-st

Autor:  propatria [ 28 Aug, 2004 13:22 ]
Teema pealkiri:  Nali

Elu ilma naljata on kurb...
Ka sõjardid oskavad heast naljast lugu pidada.
Siia võiks postitada mõnusat militaarhuumorit, nii sõnas, helis kui pildis...

Alustuseks üks naljalugu:

Eestit ähvardab kallaletung idast. Arutatakse kaitseplaani. Väed paigutada idapiirile. Lennukeid kasutada ei saa, puhub idatuul. Ka tankilahing ei tule kõne alla: tankist on haige. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Tervitustega ProPatria

Autor:  teddybbeer [ 28 Aug, 2004 16:34 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

jah ex ta ole..
loodab et rahvas ei pahanda, et asi ingliskeelne, netiavarustes surfamisel olen ike aegajalt kodanik Murphy seadustele peale sattunud ja neid üles tähendanud.

1.You are not a superman.
2.If it's stupid but work, it isn't stupid.
3.Don't look conspicuous-it draws fire.(This is why aircraft carries are called, "Bomb Magnets".)
4.When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
6.Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7.If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
8.No plan survives the first contact intact.
9.All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
10.Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
11.If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
12.The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
13.The important things are always simple.
14.The simple things are always hard.
15.The easy way is always mined.
16.If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
17.When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
18.Incoming fire has the right of way.
19.Friendly fire-isn't.
20.If the enemy is in range, "SO ARE YOU!!!"
21.No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
22.Beer math is: two beers times 37 men = 49 cases.
23.Body count math is: two guerillas plus one portable plus two pigs = 37 enemy killed in action.
24.Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
25.Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
26.Anything you do can get you shot-including doing nothing.
27.Tracers work both ways.
28.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
29.Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
30.If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
31.When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
32.Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
33.Murphy was a grunt.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather (and especially during both.)
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
77. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. 81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body Count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. All or any of the above combined.

Autor:  propatria [ 29 Aug, 2004 12:10 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Murphy on tõesti tegija!

Isegi naudin neid sügavasisulisi ütlusi ingliskeelsetena, sest emakeelde tõlgituna kaob sageli osa sellest kordumatust sõnademängust...

Noorsõdur kirjeldab enda esimest lahingukogemust:
"Algul laadisime ja lasime..."
"Siis keset lahingut läks nii kiireks, et ainult lasime..."

* * *

Räsitud välimusega sõdur saabub sõjast koju.
"Kuidas läks?" küsivad kodused.
"Teisele kohale tulime..." :lol:

Tervitustega ProPatria

Autor:  allohve [ 01 Sept, 2004 13:46 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Lugu on räägitud soome ohvitseri poolt Kosovos.

"Kosovo kriisi lahendamiseks palutakse missioonil osaled ka itaalastel. Itaalased keelduvad osalemast ilma rootslasteta, sest muidu oleks nende sõdurid missiooni kõige kehvemad." :D :D :D

Autor:  PATRIOOT [ 04 Sept, 2004 11:48 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

ma vabandan kui see nali natuke ebasynnis on aga lugu järgmine:

Polk vene sõdureid kõnnib kõrbes ja kõik juba jumala väsinud ning päev-läbi joomata kui äkki märkavad ühes orus kitse-karja. Kõik sõdurid jooksevad padavai nagu puhvlikari kitsedesse piima imema, viimasena jõuab kohale ka mingine kõrgem komandõr kes noorsõduritega kaasa tuli et jälgida nende tegevust ja hakkas kah imema. Imeb ja imeb kuni järsku sülitab: Pthui, kurat mulle jätsite ikka soku!....=)

Autor:  propatria [ 04 Sept, 2004 20:27 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

10 põjust, miks tulirelv on parem kui naine...

Ten Ways That Handguns Are Better Than A Woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And The Number One Way That A Handgun Is Better Than A Woman...

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

Tervitades ProPatria

Autor:  PATRIOOT [ 05 Sept, 2004 16:34 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Veltveebel ütles noorsõduritele, et president tuleb väeosa üle vaatama. Ja kuna oli tegemist sõjaväega, tuli visiiti harjutada.
Veltveebel ütles noorsõdur A'le: "Sinult võib ta küsida, kui vana sa oled."
"20 aastat, härra president." vastas noorsõdur A.
Veltveebel ütles noorsõdur B'le: "Sinult võib ta küsida, kui kaua sa siin oled olnud."
"2 kuud, härra president."
Veltveebel ütles noorsõdur C'le: "Sinult võib ta küsida, mis on su lemmiktoit."
"Hernesupp, härra president."
Veltveebel vastab: "Väga hea, jätke need vastused meelde ja nii vastakegi!"
Siis tuli president ja küsis noorsõdur B'lt: "Kui vana sa oled?"
"2 kuud, härra president." vastas noorsõdur B.
President vaatas imestunult talle otsa ja küsis siis noorsõdur A'lt: "Kaua sa siin oled olnud?"
"20 aastat, härra president." vastas noorsõdur A.
President läks juba natuke vihaseks ja küsis noorsõdur C'lt: "Mis kurat teie ajudes voolab?"
"Hernesupp, härra president." vastas noorsõdur C.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Tervitades: PATRIOOT

Autor:  propatria [ 20 Sept, 2004 13:35 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Nüüd midagi paintball'i sõpradele... :lol:


Tervitustega ProPatria

Autor:  propatria [ 04 Dets, 2004 2:01 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Elu kuidagi naljatuju võtnud :?:

* * *
Enne sõjaväkke minekut magasin hästi - teadsin, et armee valvab meid.
Sõjaväes magasin halvasti - valvasin.
Pärast sõjaväge ei maga enam üldse - tean, kes meid valvab.

* * *

II maailmasõda. Kaevikus istub saksa snaiper ja passib venelasi. Mitu tundi ära passitud, aga mitte kedagi ei näe lasta. Võtab lõpuks kavaluse appi ja hüüab:
Pjotr pistab pea kaevikust välja ja saab kuuli pähe. Natukese aja pärast
hüüab sakslane:
Ivan pistab pea kaevikust välja ja saab samuti kuuli pähe.
Kaeviku põhjas kükitab tshukts ja palvetab:
"Ainult mitte Buzurbai! Mitte Buzurbai!"

* * *

Tervitustega ProPatria

Autor:  oliver [ 04 Dets, 2004 2:37 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

1945.a. sügis Ukrainas. Lapsed lähevad esimest korda peale suurt sõda kooli ja esimene tund on klassijuhataja tund. Teemaks mida keegi tegi sõja ajal: Anja kudus sõduritele kindaid, Serjoga töötas tehases Uuralite taga, Kolja vedas partisanidele süüa jne. Ainult üks poiss on vait.
Küsib siis õpetaja et: "Vladimir, mis siis sina sõja ajal tegid?"
"Mina olin rindel, andsin kuulipildujale linti ette!".
Selle peale peab õpetaja kaasõpilastele loengu Vladimirist kui nõukogude patrioodi musternäidisest.
Ja küsib siis et "Mida sõdurid selle kohta ütlesid?".
"Gut, gut Waldemar, weiter so!" :wink:

Autor:  propatria [ 18 Dets, 2004 1:08 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

NATO peakontoris banketil satub inglase, prantslase ja eestlase veiniklaasi kärbes.

Inglane küsib uue veiniklaasi, prantslane sokutab kärbse inglasele, aga eestlane vaatab oma klaasi kurval pilgul ja ütleb:

"Kas sellist NATOt me tahtsimegi....?"

Autor:  oliver [ 21 Dets, 2004 15:44 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Lahing keeb, Maksim täriseb, sõdurid loobivad üksteist granaatidega.
Järsku vaikib kuulipilduja ja kostab sihturi hüüe:
"Seltsimees komandör, padrunid on otsas!"
Vastuseks hüüab komandör:
"Vassiljev, kas te olete kommunist või mitte?!"
Ja kuulipilduja hakkab veelgi kiiremini tärisema...

Autor:  Merepura [ 21 Dets, 2004 18:36 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Lugedes teemat NSVL relvajõud Eestis http://www.militaar.net/viewtopic.php?t=215 , seda kanti kus juttu õt raketivägedest, tuli meelde üks 80-ndate keskpaiga anektoodisarnane lugu. Nimelt oli Saaremaal külas sõprusrajooni (Talsi rajoon tollasest Läti NSV-st) delegatsioon ja nagu ikka, toimus õhtul selline vabam üritus napsuga. Peo käigus saavutas siis osa mehi staadiumi, kus paras aeg kindlaks tegema hakata, kes ikkagi kõvemad tegijad on. Nii siis oligi üks Läti ATK (vist agrotööstuskompleks... :roll:) tegelane teatanud et neil kolhoosid juba nii heal järjel et kõigis nõuk. ajal ehitatud uus kultuurimaja. Kohalik vend oli esimese hooga raskustes (sest kuna maad kehvad, siis oli ka enamus majandeid pigem vaesed) kuid leidis siiski korraliku vastuse, nimelt et "aga meil selle eest igal kolhoosil oma raketibaas". Raketibaasi tegelikult vist kõigil just polnud aga mingi väeosa küll.

Autor:  Faust [ 27 Dets, 2004 22:45 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Saksa koonduslaagri väravas suurelt kiri: Täna õhtul laagris disko,kuulipildur Fritzil uued lindid. :D

Autor:  TM1 [ 09 Jaan, 2005 20:01 ]
Teema pealkiri: 

Piirivalvur kõnnib piiril edasi tagasi ja igavleb.Ühtäki hüüab,venelane!!!
Teiseltpoolt hüütakse vastu ,jah mis on!?Ah mine p..se!
Sama lugu kordub ka järgmisel päeval.
Kui vanka ka kolmndal päeval,sama konksuotsa kukkus,lidus ta staapi ja
kurtis,kuidas eestlane temaga käitunud oli.Kindralid kuulasid,pidasid nõu ja käskisid vankal samaga vastata.
Järgmisel päeval vanka varakult piiril ja röögib - eestalne,eestlane....
vaikus-hüüab uuesti ,eestlane eestlane - ikka vaikus,proovib kolmaski kord -ei midagi.Järsku kuuleb - venelane sina karjud või!?Mina jah !
Ah mine siis p..se!

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